FunnyHumor

THIS PAGE RATED "R" FOR LANGUAGE

I am so full of opinions and commentary it's PATHETIC.

I've just NOT HAD TIME to add them to the humor pages yet

So be sure and come back -- cuz I'll get to it eventually.

anyWAYwhatEVER -- I'm quite sure you've seen some of these jokes before.

But just because they're USED doesn't mean they're NOT STILL FUNNY!!!

catch ya from a mile up

"They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going

well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." David Letterman

"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country.

They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty

good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is."

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't

solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." Jay Leno

"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know

your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." Jay Leno

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these

expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late

with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which

absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" Conan O'Brien

JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS

The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon

expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's

Hell. "I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins

in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said

Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up

the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of

traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?"

The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued

demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face.

According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand

why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival.

"There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers,

the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned,

the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what

they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed

on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday."

"Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others,"

added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes.

"I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward

for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi.

"But now I am forced tosuckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal,

until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as

prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be

forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting.

It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that

would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those

Willingly "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym

and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna.

But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun."

Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists.

Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of

Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags

will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be

melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that,

they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand.

Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them."

"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian

ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52

brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."

"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack.

The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt

good to laugh again." Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good

to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that

e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'"

"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good

old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." Jay Leno

"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Usama bin Laden. Time reports

this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at

age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and

gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."

"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will

depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to

Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing,

American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update"

"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban

forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and

David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more

tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set

right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" Conan O'Brien

"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women,

one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her

ankles to to get that job?" Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape?

He's having dinner with a legless sheik.

We can't even catch that guy."


				*NineEleven* *FunnyHumor*



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		THIS PAGE RATED "R" FOR LANGUAGE . I am so full of opinions and commentary it's PATHETIC. I've just NOT HAD TIME to add them to the humor pages yet So be sure and come back -- cuz I'll get to it eventually. anyWAYwhatEVER -- I'm quite sure you've seen some of these jokes before. But just because they're USED doesn't mean they're NOT STILL FUNNY!!! catch ya from a mile up ; ) TobyD221 . "They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." David Letterman . . "The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." Jay Leno . . "The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." Jay Leno . . "I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." Jay Leno . . "You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." Jay Leno . . "It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" Conan O'Brien . . JAHANNEM, OUTER DARKNESS The hijackers who carried out the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon expressed confusion and surprise Monday to find themselves in the lowest plane of Na'ar, Islam's Hell. "I was promised I would spend eternity in Paradise, being fed honeyed cakes by 67 virgins in a tree-lined garden, if only I would fly the airplane into one of the Twin Towers," said Mohammed Atta, one of the hijackers of American Airlines Flight 11, between attempts to vomit up the wasps, hornets, and live coals infesting his stomach. "But instead, I am fed the boiling feces of traitors by malicious, laughing Ifrit. Is this to be my reward for destroying the enemies of my faith?" The rest of Atta's words turned to raw-throated shrieks, as a tusked, asp-tongued demon burst his eyeballs and drank the fluid that ran down his face. According to Hell sources, the 19 eternally damned terrorists have struggled to understand why they have been subjected to soul-withering, infernal torture ever since their Sept. 11 arrival. "There was a tumultuous conflagration of burning steel and fuel at our gates, and from it stepped forth these hijackers, the blessed name of the Lord already turning to molten brass on their accursed lips," said Iblis The Thrice-Damned, the cacodemon charged with conscripting new arrivals into the ranks of the forgotten. "Indeed, I do not know what they were expecting, but they certainly didn't seem prepared to be skewered from eye socket to bunghole and then placed on a spit so that their flesh could be roasted by the searing gale of flatus which issues forth from the haunches of Asmoday." "Which is strange when you consider the evil with which they ended their lives and those of so many others," added Iblis, absentmindedly twisting the limbs of hijacker Abdul Aziz Alomari into unspeakably obscene shapes. "I was told that these Americans were enemies of the one true religion, and that Heaven would be my reward for my noble sacrifice," said Alomari, moments before his jaw was sheared away by faceless homunculi. "But now I am forced tosuckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile. This must be some sort of terrible mistake." Exacerbating the terrorists' tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that they will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the Paradise they were expecting. It might actually be the most painful thing we can do, to show these murderers the untold pleasures that would have awaited them in Paradise, if only they had lived pious lives," said Praxitas, Duke of Those Willingly "I mean, it's tough enough being forced through a wire screen by the callused palms of Halcorym and then having your entrails wound onto a stick and fed to the toothless, foul-breathed swine of Gehenna. But to endure that while watching the righteous drink from a river of wine? That can't be fun." Underworld officials said they have not yet decided on a permanent punishment for the terrorists. Eventually, we'll settle on an eternal and unending task for them," said Lord Androalphus, High Praetor of Excruciations. "But for now, everyone down here wants a crack at them. The legions of fang-wombed hags will take their pleasure on their shattered carcasses for most of this afternoon. Tomorrow, their flesh will be melted from their bones like wax in the burning embrace of the Mother of Cowards. The day after that, they'll be sodomized by the Fallen and their bowels shredded by a demonic ejaculate of burning sand. Then, on Sunday, Satan gets them all day. I can't even imagine what he's got cooked up for them." This article was stolen from "The Onion" . . "We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." Jay Leno . . "Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" . . "I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" David Letterman . . "President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." Jay Leno . . "President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." Jay Leno . . "More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Usama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." Jay Leno . . "Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update" . . "In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" . . "The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" Conan O'Brien . . "An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update" . . "Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." David Letterman



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